(Apologies to relatives; this post is about exactly what you would expect.)
I was going to be fancy and write about some art exhibits I’ve been to lately, but I had a conversation with my dear friend Jackie Jormp-Jomp the other day which got me going in a different direction, as so many of J’s personal thoughts do. She described a brazenly selfish sexual encounter in which some poor bastard (did I say poor? I meant lucky) “went down on (her) for a quite a long time”. As he emerged to receive what was surely his due after such ardent and selfless work, J promptly bid him good night, rolled over and fell asleep moments after her head hit the pillow. I enjoyed this story on its own for comedic value, but J wanted to know if I too were ever a practitioner of “lazy sex,” which, she fears, is starting to become all too routine with her. Finally, a woman who understands me. I’ve long assumed that everyone else I know is much more active and exciting than I when it comes to these matters; and my relative inactivity is, in large part, due to good old sloth, which also explains my aversion to completing the recommended weekly quota of vigorous exercise, or my inability to go to the supermarket when my cupboards are bare instead of just slinking back to the couch and having a hangry, half-hearted cry.
J and I continued to discuss/justify our laziness during a Skype call. (J lives in a frozen wasteland; I live in Australia. I’m winning.) “Why do all the work when they can?” we both agreed, and presumably stuffed popcorn or the like into our mouths while laughing in a self-satisfied manner. It goes without saying that we spend most of our time being single.
Despite our questionable self-congratulating, we were both genuinely interested in whether laziness in bed is something other people experience, and more importantly, what people think about it being practiced by their own partners. I thought I’d save J the research she was planning to do by investigating myself – and by investigating, I mean googling the words “lazy sex.” I was actually surprised by the results. You can try it yourself – not only do the top ten results NOT vilify the lazy woman/man for not being exciting enough in bed, they actually encourage and enable laziness, offering some helpful tips and tricks to get what you want with scarcely a finger lifted. I find the glorification of both sloth and selfishness to be a particularly American pastime, but somehow I thought sex didn’t fall into these categories. Just about anyone you talk to is looking for more spice in the bedroom, not less. You know what you don’t hear often? “I really wish she’d just lie there and let me hammer away until I’m done.” Nonetheless, here are a few lazy sex tips from the annals of the Interwebz:
- Ian Kerner, sex therapist and vociferous man-about bed, is actually a proponent of lazy sex given the right circumstances. He advocates the “Lie & Lift,” which honestly sounds like too much work given its title, and is in fact solely designed so that the woman is the one relaxing/just lying there while the man does all the work. This sounds familiar.
- Other advice concerns a more equal opportunity approach to lazy sex, namely side-by-side masturbation. Sex is no laughing matter, yet…I can’t help but imagine two sad, exhausted people lying side by side and staring at the ceiling as they half-heartedly masturbate. This is probably not what the advice-givers meant, but I still like it.
- One article, in describing the “flat spoon”, cautioned its readers that this position may induce napping.
It’s worth noting that “lazy sex” isn’t all about selfishness, as Jackie would have you believe. A lot of it simply boils down to preference. Regardless of all the statistically validated information out there about which positions actually “work” for the average woman, I’ve talked to many a gal who finds variations of missionary more than satisfying. Conversely, some of the supposedly tried-and-true (and incidentally active) positions don’t offer much bang for their buck for some people I spoke to. Sex should always be about pleasure. (Now is not the time to bring up procreation, but I will anyways, because anyone who is pretending that that is what sex is about is wrong 99% of the time.) The level of energy output necessary to achieve this pleasure is different for everyone. Thus, not only does my blog not have a point, this individual article doesn’t either.
Another important distinction to be made is that between laziness (brought on by knackered-ness, boredom, routine, etc.) and actual lack of interest. It seems fair that people would equate a minimum of action with no passion, which could create a bigger problem than that caused by lack of variety in physical sensations. The important thing, as always, is communication with one’s partner and reassurance that just because you’re tired (or simply not into experimenting, those of you strange people out there who are like that) doesn’t mean you’re not into them.
Alternately…if you realize that your impression of a dead fish is in fact due to a lack of attraction, find yourself a new man/woman/doll/pillow/whatever. Hey, I’m not judging. I only judge some of the time, like in the previous paragraph when I mentioned people who don’t like to experiment and how weird I think they are.
I still think Jackie wasn’t the kindest lover during that recent humorous encounter, but I certainly had a good laugh about it, and considering that she is at her core an evil mastermind, I think she did too. It’s not like she ended up dating that guy or anything. Jane Austen once said it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of an acrobatic and gravity-defying shag. If you’re feeling a little lackluster in the sex department, finding the right person might be all the energy lift you need. And don’t be ashamed if you find yourself being just a little bit lazy every now and then. All you need is the right kind of drug and you’ll be good to go.