Car Wars: Episode I

(Customer enters car dealership. Salesman hastily closes laptop playing funny cat video.)
Customer: Uh, hi.
Salesman: Hello! Welcome to generic car dealership. My name is Salesman. How can I assist you today?
C: Well, I’m not looking to buy anything today…
S: Uh-huh. Terrific. Fine and dandy. No problemo.
C:…But I have a few questions.
S: All right, no pressure at all. What’s your name friend?
C: My name is Jim Bob, or something like that.
S: Jimmy Bob, pleasure to meet you. You sure are a big fella. You play football?
C: (silence)
S: I used to love to toss around the old pigskin myself. Allrighty, let’s walk and talk JB. Mind if I call you JB?
(S & C go outside to blazing hot lot containing several dozen cars. The cars are all different. Or the cars are all the same. It does not matter.)
S: What kind of car do you drive now, Johnson Bob?
C: Me, I’ve had the same Chevy Silverado for well on nine years.
S: Chevy Sil! A man’s car. You ever drive straight down a mountainside with that thing?
C: Not really. I mainly use it to compensate for feeling inadequate and vulnerable.
S: Excellent. I get a lot of customers with the same story. So are you looking for something that more closely represents the true self you’ve been afraid to reveal up til now?
C: I’m not looking for me. My wife’s Honda is on its last legs and she’ll be needing a new car some time soon.
S: Honda. Great car. Not as great as our cars.
C: It sure lasted a long time. I think it might be nice to get her a nicer car though, you know? The old Accord was reliable. Nothing to write home about.
S: Oh yeah, no flash, no glamour. Your wife deserves all the bells and whistles, wouldn’t you say?
C: She wouldn’t want anything too fancy, now. She’s a good woman. She’s earned something nice. We are on a fixed income.
S: Oh, don’t you worry about that Jim Beam. I’m going to get you the best deal. You’ll want to write home about this deal! Heh heh. But we have to find you the right car first. Now, is this car going to be a surprise for your beautiful wife?
C: I was thinking so. If I could find the right thing. She usually wants me to make these kinds of decisions anyways. It’d be good to make it a surprise.
S: Amen. Happy wife, happy life.
(S steers C to the “perfect” vehicle)


…But the story doesn’t end here! The salesman will be back with further platitudes and misinformation in Episode II!

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