New Year’s Resolutions
1. Obviously, go to the gym six days a week and lose ten pounds. This is quite simple. The gym is literally three blocks from here. It takes 90 seconds to walk at a moderate pace from your door to the door of the gym. You know this. Just go.
2. Do not stop at Shake Shack every day on the way back from the gym. Milkshakes are poison. Your new athletic body does not want poison. It wants more kale and barre classes because that is what it loves now.
3. New you is also punctual. Your powerful new legs can easily carry you to work entire minutes before you are even required to be there. Not stopping at donut shoppe along the way will also aid in ensuring your timeliness. No longer will smug Lisa look at you smugly as you frantically hustle to your cubicle a mere 7 minutes past the hour. “What took you so long?” she will smugly smuggle no more.
4. Do not buy vaccum-packed sugar from donut shoppe on way to work.
5. Remember Mom’s birthday.
6. Send Mom flowers and card well before birthday so they do not arrive late.
7. Write birthday on calendar now so you don’t forget.
8. Write reminder on calendar two weeks before birthday so you have time to promptly send tokens of love. Do it right this minute. Do it now.
9. Stop drinking wine in the bath. You will spill wine and turn restorative soak into seedy wine-bath. Then you will have to have a shower, adding to already guilt-provoking level of water usage.
10. Don’t drink wine on the treadmill. If you drink wine on the treadmill, all that leisurely walking you’re doing won’t count as exercise.
11. Don’t spill wine on light-colored clothing.
12. Come to think of it, do not drink wine while wearing light-colored clothing.
13. Do not wear light-colored clothing ever again.
14. Feed inner creative person by undertaking artful hobby. Remember that watching TV is not a hobby and is in fact a waste of your precious time and potential. Will continue moderate TV exposure to keep up with the outside world, purely for purposes of social inclusion and definitely not for entertainment.
15. Artful and impressive hobbies include flamenco guitar, ice sculpture, orchid growing, tango lessons, home brewing, chess mastery and multilingual fluency. Hobby of choice TBD.
16. DO NOT leave straight iron plugged in lying on bed when you go out. Surely this is the way your world will end.
17. Meditate for ten minutes, twice a day. This will offer mental clarity, aid successful completion of other daily tasks and serve as a talking point with the yummy mummies at barre class, should you ever need to join their ranks for some dreaded and unforeseen reason.
18. Remember to take birth control at the same. fucking. time. every single day for the love of all that is holy.
19. Go to annual check-up. Inquire as to whether you will need five annual check-ups this year since it has been five years since you made it to the last one.
20. Hand-wash delicates instead of throwing them in the washer and hoping for the best.
21. Don’t be too hard on yourself. To forgive is divine, and surely nothing is quite so divine as self-forgiveness?
22. Resume spiritual education. You might be missing something.